L Writes:

I received an email tonite that had your link in it. About an hour before reading the email, I told my sister I need a strong sign from God as to what I should do. I'm guessing He is directing me to you.

 

Don't know how to begin, but let me try. I have been married to my husband for 13 years, we "dated" for 10 years before that. This is a second marriage for both of us. I'm ready to end the marriage. I feel dead inside towards him. The icing on the cake occurred 3 months ago. My daughter got engaged, is getting married in a year and is now living with her fiance. Yes, I know not the ideal situation. But her fiance is 41 and they are adults, able to make their own choices. My husband does not have a great relationship with either of my kids, but for some reason he has decided to wear his "stepfather's" hat and preach advice to my daughter and her fiance. My husband and my daughter's fiance have already butted heads and my husband is not welcome at their home. My husband is so upset about the situation that he ended up in the Clinic thinking he was having a heart attack. We just had a separation of 4 weeks because he wanted to go to our place in Florida to study for a class that was at the end of August and he felt there would be less distraction there. He asked me to go with him, but I didn't want to go for several reasons. I never really missed him, except for once on a weekend when I felt it would have been nice to go somewhere with him. We are both retired.

 

My husband says I have left the marriage emotionally, physically and mentally. He's right. We've tried counseling, but he never likes any of them. We are going to Retrovaille in 2 weeks, but not sure how successful it will be. He has a very strong personality, and pretty much insists in continuing to make his point with people to show them the "error of there way of thinking".

 

By the way, we pretty much lived together before we got married, so he seems pretty hypocritical with the way he is looking at my daughter. He says my way of thinking is "secular humanist" because I'm not preaching at my daughter and her fiance about their living arrangement. He has said I am a Christian at church only since I leave and don't treat him more lovingly and because I am willing to accept my daughter's way of living. By the way, she is a very successful police officer and my son is in the Air  Force, so they aren't a couple of deadbeats, because he has also told me I didn't do a good job of raising them.

 

I guess I’m rambling but hard to condense 23 years of my life with him. When I tried to end the relationship 13 years ago, he showed up with a ring. Stupid me, I fell for it.

Thanks,

L

 

P.S.

Several family members have told me I should file for divorce.

 

 

Dear L,

I still get nervous when I’m asked for advice. I guess it is because I’m afraid I will come off harsh or as a know-it-all. I only know what scripture says and what I have seen work for women. So, L, please know that this comes from a place of love.

First, I want to ask you to remove the word “divorce” from your vocabulary. God hates divorce according to Malachi 2:16 and, I would surmise, would not want it thrown around as a threat. As women, we want to talk to anyone who will listen; making sure everyone is on our side. Christians and non-believers are both guilty of rallying around their loved ones and offering advice like “you should just divorce him.” This is not sound advice, as it is based on bias and emotion. I encourage you to start responding with something like “divorce is not an option for me” or “I don’t need advice, I just need you to listen.” 

If obeying God isn’t in the forefront of your mind, maybe some worldly arguments against divorce will convince you? I have in front of me a list of 50 reasons a wife should not initiate a divorce. Here are a few:

• She loses male skilled help around the house, i.e. plumbing, car maintenance, yard work.
• Retirement is compromised or eliminated. Health insurance is changed or eliminated.
• She establishes a divorce pattern for her children.
• She minimizes the words “commitment” and “through better and worse.”

Now, onto some encouraging news. You CAN be happy in your marriage. It is going to take hard work and patience, so be prepared. Here are a few tips on how to check back in to your marriage:

• Remember the reasons you married him. He did not fool you into walking down that aisle 13 years ago; you made a choice. And you probably did so based on things you liked or admired about him. If you are having trouble, try making a list. Keep it in front of you daily.
• Accept you only have control over yourself. Do you have control over the fact that your husband wants to try and give godly, fatherly advice to your daughter? No. Do you have control over your daughter living with her fiancé? No. Do you have control over how you react to these things you dislike? Yes. Make your focus what you CAN control.
• You need some Titus 2 studies in your life! Are you able to attend a class? We teach in detail about so many relationship challenges. It will help get you in the right frame of mind and surround you with sound-minded women. Not to mention, it will keep you accountable (which we all need).

With God, anything is possible. I will leave you with this scripture: I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart. Ezekiel 36:26

I am praying for your marriage and that you will get involved with us at Titus 2. Please keep in touch.

C writes:

I just found your site today, and I have to say that I am once again, amazed at God's timing in sending this website info to me TODAY!

I have been married just over 7 years.  We dated for a year and a half in the beginning, and we ended up living together for nearly a year before we got married.  We weren't really walking with God then, like we are today. 

During the first five years of our life together in the same household, so MANY things happened and my heart is so very bitter!  He had two sons when we met.  One was pre-teen, the other was a teenager.  They all had lived on their own for nearly two years when I met them.  There was absolutely NO discipline of the boys before me.  When I say NO Discipline, I truly mean NO discipline!  Therefore, when I moved in, this caused a huge riff between me and the oldest son, who was used to ruling the roost.  It got so bad that eventually it became physical in the sense that he actually tried to hit me with his vehicle one day; he would tell others that he purposefully try to make me mad enough that he could try to get me to hit him, so he could have me arrested for child abuse, and removed from the home.  It was terrible!!!  But I hung in here....and did not leave.

Also during this trying time with his sons, I was then introduced to his sisters, who were just as bad as his sons were.  They would take the boys behind our backs and tell them things to do to me, to try to get me to leave the home, as well.  I've been called every name in the book, under the sun.  I've been stolen from; lied to and about; and yet.....I did not leave.

My husband joined the Navy Reserves during our first year of marriage.  During this time, I found out that he had grown very 'fond" of his Chief Petty Officer, who was female.  I would find pictures of her; pictures of the two of them together during their training sessions, and etc.  He finally admitted to me that he was sexually attracted to her, and that if she was not his boss, he would "go for it".  Nothing said about "IF YOU AND I WERE NOT TOGETHER, ... " blah blah blah.......  once again, I did not leave.

I've been cheated on by him with pornography.  I've been cheated on by him while he clearly and blatantly seduces other women with his eyes, right in front of me.  I've been lied to so many times, I can't count them.  But once again....I did not leave.

We then turned our lives more to God and put Him more into our, by then, marriage.  I have asked myself many times why I married him, and stayed with him, and I can honestly tell you (because you don't know me) that it was only because I was scared to death to have to get out into the real world and find a job, and take care of myself.  I had just done that for five years prior to meeting him, and I knew how hard it was.  I also had a good job while I was on my own, but it was on a contract basis.  The contract expired, and I had no job.  Therefore, the convenience of having a guy that already had a good paying job; a home; and pretty much anything I wanted, is what kept me here with him.  I basically feel like I sold myself out.  I hate that!!! 

Pornography is no longer an issue in our lives; neither is his wondering eye.  He did go to counseling for all that, and that is truly not an issue in our marriage.  Is it still an issue in his heart?  Yes.  I believe with all my heart that if we were not together, he would be right back into porn again; one night stands; etc.  This tells me that his heart really isn't with the Lord.  He leaves these things alone now, only because he knows the hell he would pay if I were ever to find it again!  So it's better in his mind, to leave it alone, so he doesn't have ME to deal with if I were to ever find it again.

This said, we now have another problem in the marriage.  We do not have a sexual side to our marriage.  We have been physical with each other maybe, and I do mean MAYBE, 5 times in the last 3 years.  There is no reaching out to the other, by either one of us.  When I asked him why he doesn't even try anymore, he basically admitted to me that it's because I have "broken him" sexually because of all the "crap" I put him through because of the porn and wondering eye, and lustful thoughts about his ex-Navy boss.  (he is no longer in the reserves.)

So, pretty much our marriage is a broken marriage.  I feel broken because of all the stress and hell his sons & sisters; the porn; the Navy boss; all of the above.  I feel EMPTY!!!  HE feels broken because as he says, I "pretty much took his FUN away from him, and now he's broken sexually". 

Where do we go from here?  HE wants to move on and stay together.  I personally feel that yes, I want to be here, but not in this kind of marriage.  A dead marriage.  A broken marriage.  A lifeless marriage.

My heart is full of bitterness, disrespect, and anger towards him.  How do I let all of this go, when there is just so much of it to let go?  How can we begin to be sexually physical again, and put the past where it belongs....BEHIND US????

I do love him.  I do want this to work.  I do want to be set free from all this crud in my heart.  And I know once I get rid of all the crud, HE will be a happier camper, as well. 

PLEASE HELP!!

Dear C,

You are right…that is a lot of crud. The good news is that once these issues are addressed, you ALL will be happy campers. I have seen relationships transformed through God’s word and Titus 2.

The first thing I want to explain to you is The 2% Rule. In Titus, The 2% Rule is when we look at a situation and take 2% of the responsibility. It is a small percentage because it is easy to take 2% of the blame or admit to being wrong 2% of the time. This rule is a starting point at looking in the mirror to actually see ourselves and how we contribute to our problems. Finger pointing does not solve anything because you can only change yourself.

Let me address a few of your topics:

• It seems like you are lacking in self-control. Meaning, you let your emotions, and probably your tongue, get away from you. Welcome to the club! This is very common for women. Many of us seasoned Titus Women still struggle with this. From my experience, when you use words as weapons, people not only tune you out, they don’t find you very credible either. There are tons of cautionary scriptures about our tongues. Proverbs 18:21 says, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue.” Before you open your mouth, ask yourself, “Is what I’m about to say promoting the life or death of my relationship?” Start this practice today.
• As far as the pornography goes, I totally understand where you are coming from. Many women have this challenge and it can feel like a form of betrayal. This is why it is so important for women to be educated on the differences between men and women (which we cover in Titus 2). I’m not saying your husband is right. I am saying he is a man; a man that God designed to be visual and sexual. This is not abnormal or uncommon. Part of the problem is that you are trying to be his mother, boss, God, etc. I know this must be hard to hear, as this was a sore spot for me in the beginning. It is crucial for you to listen or watch our class on “The Differences Between Men and Women.” It will help you in detail in this area.
• Don’t forget that 7 years ago you were in love with this man. And, as we say in Titus, when you married him, problems or not, he became the right man. I’m glad to hear you want to work things out. I can’t help but think that God is smiling about that. Right now there is little trust between you and your husband, but it can be rebuilt. Someone needs to make the first move and I encourage you to be the one to do it. Beginning this weekend, use The 2% Rule and let only life-promoting words through your lips (Proverbs 15:4). It will take time, but once your husband sees a positive and consistent change in you, he will change too! Your softened hearts will lead to the rekindling of your physical intimacy.

I know you are probably thinking that it might be impossible to change your marriage. It’s not. However, it is going to take a lot of hard work on your part. And, most important, trust and obedience in the Lord (Philippians 2:14-16). It is imperative that you surround yourself with like-minded women and possibly join a Titus class or get the Titus curriculum. Not only will it be a support to you, but it will hold you accountable.

One decision at a time, you have the ability to transform your marriage into something beautiful. I pray you will have an open mind and open heart.

M writes:

Well Wife Coach! I have some issues that I am dealing with and just do not know what to do.  My husband is a wonderful man, but these days I just can't do anything right! No matter what I say or what I do, he seems to take it the wrong way and I cannot get ahead.  I feel like I am in a losing battle and there just seems to be no hope left.  I feel that I am doing my best to do what is right but what do I do to make myself FEEL like I am doing the right thing?  Man, I just feel so alone and do not know what to do! Can you help?

Dear M,

It is important to get guidance from like-minded women, so I applaud you for writing in to the Titus 2 blog.

One of the foundations of Titus is the belief that we cannot change anyone but ourselves. You cannot change your husband’s attitude or criticisms, but you can change your actions and reactions. Here is how:

• Take a patient and meaningful look in the mirror. What is it that you believe you are doing right?
• Ask your husband what would make him happy and listen. Does his answer resemble what you think you are doing right?

Life gets very hectic with our many hats, i.e. homemaker, employee, mother, etc. Sometimes it is most convenient to put our role as wife on the back burner. However, our relationship with our husband is supposed to be our priority on this earth. Often, our husbands are looking for our peaceful companionship.

M, don’t forget, the beauty of our faith in God is that there is always hope. "NOW may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing…" Romans 15:13a

L writes:

 

I came across your site and wanted to ask for advice and prayer. My husband left me but we reconciled a few times up until the end of July 2010. He began the process of filing for divorce that Nov. I knew that he had met a woman and was living with her but I kept my lips sealed. I find out Monday that she is 6 months pregnant with his child. He began the divorce process after finding out she was expecting. I'm devastated but I can't let him go. I can't imagine how our life together can continue. I had someone mention that the woman could have a miscarriage and now I can't stop thinking about that. It's almost as if I'm hoping that will happen and I feel like that is wrong. Is it?

 

Dear L,

 

My heart goes out to you.

 

First, I want to remind you of Psalm 111:10, which tells us that if we fear and trust God we gain a better understanding of his will.

Next, I want to say that Titus 2 encourages reconciliation just like the bible states. However, if you have tried to work things out with your husband and he is unwilling, 1 Corinthians 7:15 states that you are unbound. I know this sounds tough, as you mentioned you cannot imagine life without your husband. But this is when you must trust the Lord with your future.

Finally, I would like to address your thought life. It sounds like you are having a hard time accepting your husband’s actions as reality; fantasizing about the other woman possibly having a miscarriage. I am not saying what your husband has done is right, as scripture states, he is to love you and his body is to be for you only. What I am saying is that these mistakes he has made are now fact and the only thing you can change is your focus. In Titus, we learn that the only person we can change is ourselves. This is going to be important for you to remember going forward. FOR YOUR SAKE, I hope you are able to forgive. Here are some scriptures about where our mind should be focused: Ephesians 4:31-32, Psalm 31:24, Isaiah 26:3.

I am so sorry to hear about your circumstances, L. As you move forward, please remember Romans 8:28: we know that all things work together for good to those who love God.

Please keep in touch. I will be praying for you.