L Writes:

I received an email tonite that had your link in it. About an hour before reading the email, I told my sister I need a strong sign from God as to what I should do. I'm guessing He is directing me to you.

 

Don't know how to begin, but let me try. I have been married to my husband for 13 years, we "dated" for 10 years before that. This is a second marriage for both of us. I'm ready to end the marriage. I feel dead inside towards him. The icing on the cake occurred 3 months ago. My daughter got engaged, is getting married in a year and is now living with her fiance. Yes, I know not the ideal situation. But her fiance is 41 and they are adults, able to make their own choices. My husband does not have a great relationship with either of my kids, but for some reason he has decided to wear his "stepfather's" hat and preach advice to my daughter and her fiance. My husband and my daughter's fiance have already butted heads and my husband is not welcome at their home. My husband is so upset about the situation that he ended up in the Clinic thinking he was having a heart attack. We just had a separation of 4 weeks because he wanted to go to our place in Florida to study for a class that was at the end of August and he felt there would be less distraction there. He asked me to go with him, but I didn't want to go for several reasons. I never really missed him, except for once on a weekend when I felt it would have been nice to go somewhere with him. We are both retired.

 

My husband says I have left the marriage emotionally, physically and mentally. He's right. We've tried counseling, but he never likes any of them. We are going to Retrovaille in 2 weeks, but not sure how successful it will be. He has a very strong personality, and pretty much insists in continuing to make his point with people to show them the "error of there way of thinking".

 

By the way, we pretty much lived together before we got married, so he seems pretty hypocritical with the way he is looking at my daughter. He says my way of thinking is "secular humanist" because I'm not preaching at my daughter and her fiance about their living arrangement. He has said I am a Christian at church only since I leave and don't treat him more lovingly and because I am willing to accept my daughter's way of living. By the way, she is a very successful police officer and my son is in the Air  Force, so they aren't a couple of deadbeats, because he has also told me I didn't do a good job of raising them.

 

I guess I’m rambling but hard to condense 23 years of my life with him. When I tried to end the relationship 13 years ago, he showed up with a ring. Stupid me, I fell for it.

Thanks,

L

 

P.S.

Several family members have told me I should file for divorce.

 

 

Dear L,

I still get nervous when I’m asked for advice. I guess it is because I’m afraid I will come off harsh or as a know-it-all. I only know what scripture says and what I have seen work for women. So, L, please know that this comes from a place of love.

First, I want to ask you to remove the word “divorce” from your vocabulary. God hates divorce according to Malachi 2:16 and, I would surmise, would not want it thrown around as a threat. As women, we want to talk to anyone who will listen; making sure everyone is on our side. Christians and non-believers are both guilty of rallying around their loved ones and offering advice like “you should just divorce him.” This is not sound advice, as it is based on bias and emotion. I encourage you to start responding with something like “divorce is not an option for me” or “I don’t need advice, I just need you to listen.” 

If obeying God isn’t in the forefront of your mind, maybe some worldly arguments against divorce will convince you? I have in front of me a list of 50 reasons a wife should not initiate a divorce. Here are a few:

• She loses male skilled help around the house, i.e. plumbing, car maintenance, yard work.
• Retirement is compromised or eliminated. Health insurance is changed or eliminated.
• She establishes a divorce pattern for her children.
• She minimizes the words “commitment” and “through better and worse.”

Now, onto some encouraging news. You CAN be happy in your marriage. It is going to take hard work and patience, so be prepared. Here are a few tips on how to check back in to your marriage:

• Remember the reasons you married him. He did not fool you into walking down that aisle 13 years ago; you made a choice. And you probably did so based on things you liked or admired about him. If you are having trouble, try making a list. Keep it in front of you daily.
• Accept you only have control over yourself. Do you have control over the fact that your husband wants to try and give godly, fatherly advice to your daughter? No. Do you have control over your daughter living with her fiancé? No. Do you have control over how you react to these things you dislike? Yes. Make your focus what you CAN control.
• You need some Titus 2 studies in your life! Are you able to attend a class? We teach in detail about so many relationship challenges. It will help get you in the right frame of mind and surround you with sound-minded women. Not to mention, it will keep you accountable (which we all need).

With God, anything is possible. I will leave you with this scripture: I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart. Ezekiel 36:26

I am praying for your marriage and that you will get involved with us at Titus 2. Please keep in touch.