I just found your site today, and I have to say that I am once again, amazed at God's timing in sending this website info to me TODAY!
I have been married just over 7 years. We dated for a year and a half in the beginning, and we ended up living together for nearly a year before we got married. We weren't really walking with God then, like we are today.
During the first five years of our life together in the same household, so MANY things happened and my heart is so very bitter! He had two sons when we met. One was pre-teen, the other was a teenager. They all had lived on their own for nearly two years when I met them. There was absolutely NO discipline of the boys before me. When I say NO Discipline, I truly mean NO discipline! Therefore, when I moved in, this caused a huge riff between me and the oldest son, who was used to ruling the roost. It got so bad that eventually it became physical in the sense that he actually tried to hit me with his vehicle one day; he would tell others that he purposefully try to make me mad enough that he could try to get me to hit him, so he could have me arrested for child abuse, and removed from the home. It was terrible!!! But I hung in here....and did not leave.
Also during this trying time with his sons, I was then introduced to his sisters, who were just as bad as his sons were. They would take the boys behind our backs and tell them things to do to me, to try to get me to leave the home, as well. I've been called every name in the book, under the sun. I've been stolen from; lied to and about; and yet.....I did not leave.
My husband joined the Navy Reserves during our first year of marriage. During this time, I found out that he had grown very 'fond" of his Chief Petty Officer, who was female. I would find pictures of her; pictures of the two of them together during their training sessions, and etc. He finally admitted to me that he was sexually attracted to her, and that if she was not his boss, he would "go for it". Nothing said about "IF YOU AND I WERE NOT TOGETHER, ... " blah blah blah....... once again, I did not leave.
I've been cheated on by him with pornography. I've been cheated on by him while he clearly and blatantly seduces other women with his eyes, right in front of me. I've been lied to so many times, I can't count them. But once again....I did not leave.
We then turned our lives more to God and put Him more into our, by then, marriage. I have asked myself many times why I married him, and stayed with him, and I can honestly tell you (because you don't know me) that it was only because I was scared to death to have to get out into the real world and find a job, and take care of myself. I had just done that for five years prior to meeting him, and I knew how hard it was. I also had a good job while I was on my own, but it was on a contract basis. The contract expired, and I had no job. Therefore, the convenience of having a guy that already had a good paying job; a home; and pretty much anything I wanted, is what kept me here with him. I basically feel like I sold myself out. I hate that!!!
Pornography is no longer an issue in our lives; neither is his wondering eye. He did go to counseling for all that, and that is truly not an issue in our marriage. Is it still an issue in his heart? Yes. I believe with all my heart that if we were not together, he would be right back into porn again; one night stands; etc. This tells me that his heart really isn't with the Lord. He leaves these things alone now, only because he knows the hell he would pay if I were ever to find it again! So it's better in his mind, to leave it alone, so he doesn't have ME to deal with if I were to ever find it again.
This said, we now have another problem in the marriage. We do not have a sexual side to our marriage. We have been physical with each other maybe, and I do mean MAYBE, 5 times in the last 3 years. There is no reaching out to the other, by either one of us. When I asked him why he doesn't even try anymore, he basically admitted to me that it's because I have "broken him" sexually because of all the "crap" I put him through because of the porn and wondering eye, and lustful thoughts about his ex-Navy boss. (he is no longer in the reserves.)
So, pretty much our marriage is a broken marriage. I feel broken because of all the stress and hell his sons & sisters; the porn; the Navy boss; all of the above. I feel EMPTY!!! HE feels broken because as he says, I "pretty much took his FUN away from him, and now he's broken sexually".
Where do we go from here? HE wants to move on and stay together. I personally feel that yes, I want to be here, but not in this kind of marriage. A dead marriage. A broken marriage. A lifeless marriage.
My heart is full of bitterness, disrespect, and anger towards him. How do I let all of this go, when there is just so much of it to let go? How can we begin to be sexually physical again, and put the past where it belongs....BEHIND US????
I do love him. I do want this to work. I do want to be set free from all this crud in my heart. And I know once I get rid of all the crud, HE will be a happier camper, as well.
PLEASE HELP!!
Dear C,
You are right…that is a lot of crud. The good news is that once these issues are addressed, you ALL will be happy campers. I have seen relationships transformed through God’s word and Titus 2.
The first thing I want to explain to you is The 2% Rule. In Titus, The 2% Rule is when we look at a situation and take 2% of the responsibility. It is a small percentage because it is easy to take 2% of the blame or admit to being wrong 2% of the time. This rule is a starting point at looking in the mirror to actually see ourselves and how we contribute to our problems. Finger pointing does not solve anything because you can only change yourself.
Let me address a few of your topics:
- It seems like you are lacking in self-control. Meaning, you let your emotions, and probably your tongue, get away from you. Welcome to the club! This is very common for women. Many of us seasoned Titus Women still struggle with this. From my experience, when you use words as weapons, people not only tune you out, they don’t find you very credible either. There are tons of cautionary scriptures about our tongues. Proverbs says, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue.” Before you open your mouth, ask yourself, “Is what I’m about to say promoting the life or death of my relationship?” Start this practice today.
- As far as the pornography goes, I totally understand where you are coming from. Many women have this challenge and it can feel like a form of betrayal. This is why it is so important for women to be educated on the differences between men and women (which we cover in Titus 2). I’m not saying your husband is right. I am saying he is a man; a man that God designed to be visual and sexual. This is not abnormal or uncommon. Part of the problem is that you are trying to be his mother, boss, God, etc. I know this must be hard to hear, as this was a sore spot for me in the beginning. It is crucial for you to listen or watch our class on “The Differences Between Men and Women.” It will help you in detail in this area.
- Don’t forget that 7 years ago you were in love with this man. And, as we say in Titus, when you married him, problems or not, he became the right man. I’m glad to hear you want to work things out. I can’t help but think that God is smiling about that. Right now there is little trust between you and your husband, but it can be rebuilt. Someone needs to make the first move and I encourage you to be the one to do it. Beginning this weekend, use The 2% Rule and let only life-promoting words through your lips (Proverbs 15:4). It will take time, but once your husband sees a positive and consistent change in you, he will change too! Your softened hearts will lead to the rekindling of your physical intimacy.
I know you are probably thinking that it might be impossible to change your marriage. It’s not. However, it is going to take a lot of hard work on your part. And, most important, trust and obedience in the Lord (Philippians -16). It is imperative that you surround yourself with like-minded women and possibly join a Titus class or get the Titus curriculum. Not only will it be a support to you, but it will hold you accountable.
One decision at a time, you have the ability to transform your marriage into something beautiful. I pray you will have an open mind and open heart.
